|Date:||July 19, 2007 / year-entry #263|
|Summary:||My colleague (who posts under the pseudonym Cloudy Starlight) tipped me off to some wonderful products which made me just stare at the screen agape, unable to express my, um, awe. I'll focus on one of the products today; the others will have to wait for another day. First, let's suppose you've got a hankerin'...|
My colleague (who posts under the pseudonym Cloudy Starlight) tipped me off to some wonderful products which made me just stare at the screen agape, unable to express my, um, awe. I'll focus on one of the products today; the others will have to wait for another day.
First, let's suppose you've got a hankerin' for a hot dog. Your adventure might go like this:
"Gotta have a hot dog, gotta have a hot dog. Where's that hot dog? In the fridge. Right, in the fridge. Open the fridge, find the hot dog. Find the hot dog. Got it. Need a bun. Where's the bun? Where's the bun! My kingdom for a bun! Oh, there's the bun, «pant pant» ah, my bun, my precious. Okay, get a plate, need a plate. No, that one's too big. No, that's not microwave-safe. Okay, got a small microwave-safe plate. Put bun with hot dog on plate. Put plate in microwave oven. Punch in thirty seconds. Thirty seconds. Go. Oh wait, close door. Okay, go. Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?! Three. Two. One. DING! Yes! I have a hot dog! Put hot dog in bun. Ow, hot hot hot. Yes! Dog is in the bun! Let the hot dog-lisciousy goodness commence!"
If that's your experience with cooking a hot dog in a microwave, may I first recommend psychological treatment. You really need help.
Second, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks has been created just for you. Instead of that entire adventure with the bun and the plate, the good people at Kraft have already put the hot dog in a bun and even provided the plate! Thus you've saved an entire four seconds of hot dog preparation time. Added up over a year of a daily hot dog obsession, that comes out to nearly twenty-five minutes of your life wasted putting hot dogs in buns and putting them on plates. You could watch an entire episode of Futurama with time left over to replay the best jokes!
Let's take a look at their press release. I reprint it here in its entire awesomeness:
That's right, they use proprietary dough technology. This ain't your grandfather's hot dog bun, no siree. We had researchers toiling away day and night perfecting their dough technology to bring you this perfect specimen of a hot dog bun.
And what's with that whole Julie Roberts thing at the end? What does that have to do with hot dogs? And "A" isn't a self-titled album. Her name isn't "A"; it's Julie Roberts!
But that's okay, because it's a quick and yummy lunch for the whole family. Note that that's a family of three people, since only three hot dogs come in a package. We're talking mommy, daddy, and the kid who throws a tantrum unless he gets a microwave hot dog in thirty seconds.
Wait a second, what did it say at the top? Thirty-five seconds? Not thirty seconds? My four-seconds savings gone down the tubes! Noooo! Don't take away my Futurama!
Apparently there are people who apply the rules of formal scholarly writing under the mistaken impression that blogs are formal scholarly writing. These people should go hang out on LiveJournal until their heads explode.
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